It's Wiscpunk You Idiot
10.02.2007
2 October 2007 - health stuff
Tomorrow they're gonna shoot me up with some radioactive dye and take pictures of my heart. They'll decide whether or not to do a catheterization procedure at that point as well, I think, or maybe next week when I go back to the Dr for more blood tests. I'm not sure.
I'm a little freaked out about all of this.
I have a lot of friends. I know that there are plenty of people who care about me. I still feel lonely in this for some reason.
I trust that everything is fine. I initially did not take this very seriously, because I've always been rather indestructible. I don't like the sense of fragility that I've experienced over the last couple of days, and weeks really. I don't like the idea of being an invalid, and that's what it feels like right now. I've always felt so robust; I've taken risks precipitously.
I miss the people in my life who I've driven away because I was such a loner. This is where that sort of self-centeredness on my part comes home to roost. Nobody is here. Odd how my prized independence seems rather hollow at the moment. I've loved three guys in my life. One died years ago, and the other two are off on their own sleeping next to someone else tonight. That's the breaks.
I've been eaten up by fear and resentment the last few days, and I've lost that rhythm I had to my life only a year ago. I can have that back with a little effort on my part and the willingness to be uncomfortable. I'm already having some clarity - some of that "picture from 20,000 feet" that gives me the peace to handle the daily-ness of my life.
I'm tired. The medicine they gave me for my heart puts me off my feed and feeling weak. I don't like it. I want to be able to walk for miles again without feeling knocked down by it. I'm glad, at least, that this has freed me of the craving for a cigarette. I just wish I didn't feel quite so weak.
I never felt so alive as when I was walking in Minneapolis in the coldest weather I'd ever experienced. I never felt so free. I've been back there in my head a lot lately for some reason. I don't want to move back up north, but I've been nostalgic for those cold days and harsh winter weather.
I can't eat or drink anything until after the first phase of my tests tomorrow. I feel like a pussy for being scared of all this, but there it is.
I miss Cody a lot this week, and I feel alone. I was so very hard on him, and I wish I could take it back. But I push everyone away eventually. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, and if I'm lucky, I suppose I'll grow old and alone and tell myself that that's the way I wanted it all along. It could be worse. At least I enjoy my own company most of the time. I really screwed the pooch on my relationships, even though I loved as best I could. There are a lot of people much worse off than I am, however. And there are a lot of guys who would probably cheerfully trade places with me in most of my circumstances.
I've been having pain in my chest most of the day off and on, but that may be from the medication they gave me. I'm going to get up at 7am, which is two hours later than usual. I can't drink any coffee in the morning, and I don't think I'm even supposed to have any liquids at all. So there won't be much to do but check my bank account and my messages and head out to the heart doctor and be ready to get it over with.
I'm a little freaked out about all of this.
I have a lot of friends. I know that there are plenty of people who care about me. I still feel lonely in this for some reason.
I trust that everything is fine. I initially did not take this very seriously, because I've always been rather indestructible. I don't like the sense of fragility that I've experienced over the last couple of days, and weeks really. I don't like the idea of being an invalid, and that's what it feels like right now. I've always felt so robust; I've taken risks precipitously.
I miss the people in my life who I've driven away because I was such a loner. This is where that sort of self-centeredness on my part comes home to roost. Nobody is here. Odd how my prized independence seems rather hollow at the moment. I've loved three guys in my life. One died years ago, and the other two are off on their own sleeping next to someone else tonight. That's the breaks.
I've been eaten up by fear and resentment the last few days, and I've lost that rhythm I had to my life only a year ago. I can have that back with a little effort on my part and the willingness to be uncomfortable. I'm already having some clarity - some of that "picture from 20,000 feet" that gives me the peace to handle the daily-ness of my life.
I'm tired. The medicine they gave me for my heart puts me off my feed and feeling weak. I don't like it. I want to be able to walk for miles again without feeling knocked down by it. I'm glad, at least, that this has freed me of the craving for a cigarette. I just wish I didn't feel quite so weak.
I never felt so alive as when I was walking in Minneapolis in the coldest weather I'd ever experienced. I never felt so free. I've been back there in my head a lot lately for some reason. I don't want to move back up north, but I've been nostalgic for those cold days and harsh winter weather.
I can't eat or drink anything until after the first phase of my tests tomorrow. I feel like a pussy for being scared of all this, but there it is.
I miss Cody a lot this week, and I feel alone. I was so very hard on him, and I wish I could take it back. But I push everyone away eventually. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, and if I'm lucky, I suppose I'll grow old and alone and tell myself that that's the way I wanted it all along. It could be worse. At least I enjoy my own company most of the time. I really screwed the pooch on my relationships, even though I loved as best I could. There are a lot of people much worse off than I am, however. And there are a lot of guys who would probably cheerfully trade places with me in most of my circumstances.
I've been having pain in my chest most of the day off and on, but that may be from the medication they gave me. I'm going to get up at 7am, which is two hours later than usual. I can't drink any coffee in the morning, and I don't think I'm even supposed to have any liquids at all. So there won't be much to do but check my bank account and my messages and head out to the heart doctor and be ready to get it over with.
posted by Mugtoe at 23:35
73 Comments:
UCaAAK The best blog you have!
m7S1Qn Wonderful blog.
Nice Article.
Magnific!
actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.
Good job!
Nice Article.
actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.
Nice Article.
Hello all!
Hello all!
polKEN write more, thanks.
Please write anything else!
Hello all!
Wonderful blog.
Thanks to author.
Thanks to author.
actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.
Please write anything else!
Good job!
Magnific!
Wonderful blog.
Thanks to author.
Please write anything else!
C++ should have been called B
C++ should have been called B
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Hello all!
Magnific!
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 2x10 do?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Wonderful blog.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Nice Article.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!
Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 2x10 do?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 2x10 do?
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
Thanks to author.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Post a Comment
<< Home